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What Stock to Buy?

I’ll put my money in companies that provide armed security. My guess is that is where monied supporters of the NRA will investing their cash. If the NRA’s advice is taken, which is to provide armed security for every school in America, then I’ll be dripping with Benjamins. Of course, I will probably have to look into purchasing some automatic weapons to guard my newly bought expensive property.

So, people, why stop at providing armed security at school? How safe are our children at Chuck E Cheese? Daycare without armed security? Will you allow your children on those pony rides at the fairgrounds without security personnel standing nearby with automatic rifles in hand. Toys R Us are you listening?

Personally, I don’t think the NRA goes far enough because they haven’t addressed this: who will protect the armed security from armed attackers? Security Snipers?

Armed attackers seem to be into that thing called “element of surprise.” They catch us when we least expect it. That must stop and here’s how: we’ll make a law whereby would be deadly attackers must be schooled in “attack etiquette”, in order to learn to adapt to the rules of fair play. They must understand that catching someone off guard is not fair at all, and a notice of some kind must be sent to security, when and where the deadly attack will be occurring, so that the armed guards will be prepared, arms drawn.

Yep, I’m putting my money into gun manufacturing stock because we’ll need a lot more guns if the NRA gets their way.

Ahhh….Dirty Priestly Humor*

There once were two priests, father Dick and father Ray.

One day after a very long mass, the two priests decided to hit the showers, halfway through there showers the priests realized that there was no soap.

So, father Ray says to Father dick “I have extra soap in my room, I’ll go get some”.

So he leaves to fetch the soap and doesn’t bother to get dressed because would still be in the church at such a late hour? So he comes back from his room with two bars of soap and is walking down the hall when suddenly he hears voices coming around the corner, so with his quick thinking he froze to the wall, stiff as a statue.

The voices turned out to be that of three nuns, who, when saw him standing there like a statue stopped to look at and admire him complimenting at how realistic he looks and what a nice body he has.

When suddenly one of the nuns reaches out and grabbed his penis.

Startled, he dropped a bar of soap, with this the nun said “Oh look, a soap dispenser”, wanting to test the first nuns theory the second nun reaches out and also grabs his penis, again he drops a bar of soap.

With this the nun says “Yes it’s true, it is a soap dispenser”.

Wanting to get her share of soap and excitement too, the third nun reaches out and grabs his penis.

But nothing happened for he was all out of soap, so she goes on yanking and pulling his penis for the next few minutes until, to her delight, she squeals “Oh! Look, hand cream!”

*(“Hand Cream”, from thejokeyard.com)

Returning from the Rapture.

I’m going to say what some people will say on May 22nd, which is this… “Once again God has shown mercy to non-believers and the Rapture will take place according to His plan.” And, some time later, as it always has, another doomsday will be predicted and the stupid will once again await that day and curse the disbelievers.

Some time before May 21st I want to have a garage sale for all those who believe May 21 is the day they’ll rise up and meet their god. And what I don’t sell I’ll resale to the original owners on May 22 at an inflated rate, of course. And when I sell back to them their old shit, I will smile and say to them, “I didn’t expect the Rapture to be over so soon. How was it?”

On May 22nd some of the idiots who believed in the Rapture will abandon their religion and begin to question their beliefs, and their rusty brain cells, that have lain dormant in the quagmire of religious stupidity, will blossom into something that doesn’t smell like bullshit.

Man at the Wall (Humor)

A news reporter goes to see a Jewish man who has been going to the western wall in Israel to pray once a day for 70 years, the reporter goes up to him and says, “hello I’m a reporter for the BBC and we know you’re quite famous around this wall so we were wondering if we could ask you a few questions.” The man agrees and she asks, “so we were wondering; what have you actually been praying for all of these years?”

The man replies, “I have been praying for peace between the Jews and Arabs and for all world hatred and terrorism to stop, and for my children and grandchildren to grown up in a peaceful world.”

The news reporter says, “Wow that’s truly beautiful, how do you feel after doing this for 70 years?”

The man replies, “I feel like I’ve been talking to a fucking brick wall.”

Custom License Plate: I CEL DRGS

While walking my dog around the neighborhood I noticed a young, dark brown skin man with corn rows, gold front teeth, super loose fitting designer sports clothes and eye blinding white tennis shoes. He drives up to a nearby townhouse, ignoring the “visitor parking” sign across the road, and parks in the no parking zone in order to socialize with some greasy hair weave wearing young women, all of whom are out of place in this much, generally “lighter skinned”, small, peaceful, suburban town. From their mouths spewed loud, low class Ebonics and ghetto cackles.

“The Negra” (and I call him “Negra” because his presence pisses me off) is driving a big top-of-the-line black, late model Mercedes Benz, which is almost the size of a small Hummer. His car is polished to high diamond luster, as though it has never been outside of a new car show room. Who knows; maybe “Mr . Negra’s” successful lawyer friend loaned him the car, or he won the lottery, or his wealthy parents died and left him a bank roll, but I don’t believe that; I believe “Mr Negra” is a dope dealer or a pimp or sells a whole lotta illegal shit. Either way, I wished he’d take his black ass back to his mama’s house, where he probably lives, which is in the same neighborhood as the mothers of his 9 kids; just an assumption.

Now, I don’t know if “The Negra” has kids, or even what he does for a living, nor do I know how he got the money to buy such an expensive car, but I’m guessing he’s probably never successfully invested in the stock market, nor do I believe he owns or holds a high level business position. And judging by his “un-buffed body type, he probably isn’t a well paid sports player. Am I stereotyping? Perhaps, but I’d say the same thing about a young, loud, grammar deficient, redneck driving a $65K BMW and socializing with trailer bunnies with 2 inch nails.

What bothers me about “Mr. Negra” is his semblance of wealth. I’m thinkin’ most of his money goes to support his car and clothes habit, as I call it. It takes a lot of money to pretend to be rich, doesn’t it? Difficult to imagine him living in a wealthy neighborhood and being invited to dine with rich neighbors. No, his stupid ass has chosen NOT invest in, oh let’s say, English lessons and deportment? Good grammar will carry him farther in life than his car ever will, a car that’ll be a much cheaper old car in a few years. But he, like his homies, will die young and broke with a mess of children living in subsidized housing with mama and grandma, and his family will spend thousands of money they’ll have to borrow in order to pay for his funeral in a church he ain’t been to since he was potty trained.

“Mr. Negra” is the poster boy for young men in the hood, and he reinforces their belief that well paying (legitimate) jobs and higher education are unimportant, and women are only worth their pussy + appearance. So when people like him hang out in my hood, I can almost feel my property value decreasing. (How much Fed and State taxes does “Mr. Negra” pay?)

Mr. Negra’s “ car is a ghetto aphrodisiac. When he and those like him drive through the hood, women present themselves with open vaginas and viable, unprotected eggs, ready to shoot out more children who will spend a few years in school, then drop out, like their parents before them, in order to do whatever they have to do to own big, expensive cars…and make more babies.

Atheist Potion

If you had one piece of hot, fluffy, fresh buttery cornbread that contained a potion which could turn a god believer into a Richard Dawkins lovin’ atheist, who would you offer the bread to and why? Ummmm…..I’m gettin’ hungry.

Thank God for Satan

Pat Condell is going to hell. He is going to that eternal fiery pit, from which we have so many first hand accounts of demonic torture. Can you believe that Mr. Condell has the nerve to give Satan credit for giving Christians something to do? Well, lawdy, lawdy!

God’s Plan for Human Free Will

I will make a game
I will choose the players
I will make the rules
I will determine the outcome
Have fun! I cannot wait to see who winner will be!

Daddy and Daughter and Baby Makes Three

Ahh….there’s nothing like a modern day biblical love story like the one right out of the book of Genesis, you know when Adam and Eve’s children are fucking each other, begating a whole new generation of people. I say if that kind of love was good enough for God’s original children’s children, then it’s good enough for that Texan Daddy and his long lost daughter…and their baby.

What do you say?

Don’t Eat That Halloween Candy

Opening your doors to those little Trick or Treaters can be dangerous to your spiritual health, according to Kimberly Daniels, and buying that Halloween candy poses threats you could never have imagined. Boo!